Gardening the Heart

The last weekend in April, my husband prepared and planted our garden all by himself. It just might be the biggest garden that we have done. (Disclaimer: We are not professional gardeners, we dabble in gardening. We don’t always know what we are doing.) Enter the month of May. Wow! It was busy. Concerts, soccer practices, soccer games, meetings, graduations, finishing school, etc. I didn’t know if I was coming or going at times. I finished up school on May 24^th and then I rolled up my sleeves and got busy in the garden.

When I walked down to the garden, I couldn’t believe the transformation. All the neat and tidy rows that Kirk planted were full of weeds. In some places it was hard to find a plant. One mound was just weeds, the plants didn’t sprout from the seeds. What a mess! It was a daunting task and I didn’t know if I had it in me to tackle it. What could I do but work on one row at a time and be grateful for one row finished? I would get finished with one section, start in a new section and watch the weeds sprout up in the last section again. It was hard to keep up. I would watch some plants not take after planting because the sun was just too hot. I saw the just-weeded-corn, so use to have weeds next to it, tip over because it lost its support. Let’s just say, I have spent a lot of time in the garden for the last month giving life support to our plants. Currently, I am satisfied with my garden, but there will always be weeds to stay up on, and now I need to watch for pests that may attack my plants, and keep the garden watered on those hot days. Just because I am satisfied where I am does not mean I can let my guard down, I need to continue to be vigilant.

Just like a garden, so is our heart. The heart is the place where lies or truths are planted. As a Christian, it is important for me to plant God’s Truths in my heart. I could do a great study on a section of Scripture, I could go to a great conference that floods my heart with good seeds, I could hear a great sermon full of Truth that I can plant in my heart, or I can do an awesome service project where I am helping others and seeing God at work. All those things make me busy tending the garden of my heart. Those times, those “mountain top” experiences make me feel so good. I feel like I am accomplished, and my heart’s garden is looking good. Unfortunately, during these times I can get proud of the work of my garden. I become wise in my own eyes because of everything I have learned. I feel like, “I’ve got this Christian thing down.”  Then life happens. I can’t stay at the conference forever, the study ends, I get busy. I let my guard down, because missing my time with the Lord “once in a while” can’t be all bad, right? That pride is a lie and it can cause sin to enter my life. I may believe lies like, “You don’t need to do this,” “No one will notice,” “Whatever makes you happy,” “Life is short,” “It is your life -do what you want”. When I stop tending my heart’s garden, weeds of lies will grow. Can you relate? Can you think of other lies we believe?

Those weeds can grow quickly in an untended garden. You walk through the garden of your heart and you cannot believe how full of weeds it is and how hard the work is to get the weeds out. That is why a little Spiritual discipline is very important. You may not “feel” like working in the garden, but a little work now can lessen the big work you might have to do later.

What is growing in your heart’s garden?

** I highlighted the word “feel” because feelings aren’t necessarily truths. We need to use any “I feel” very carefully.

God bless you as you take some time to walk through your heart’s garden.

Getting the Uglies Out

When I was a teenager, I was pretty great at noticing when guys were attractive or not. Thankfully, I also noticed when their actions were not kind as well. I started to see that guys who were initially very attractive, but not kind, became less attractive. Guys who might have been less attractive, but kind, became more attractive.

A few years back, while my kids were small, we had playdates with a friend whose children were the same ages as mine. Of course, while the kids played, the moms would talk. Those were some of my most favorite times. When my friend's children would become mean to each other, she would tell them that they were acting “ugly.” The first time I heard her use it left an impression on me and I have used it at times with my own children.

During a sermon several weeks ago, my husband said, “Have you ever said something that you regretted?” Throughout the congregation of people there was a collective groan. My internal groan probably was the loudest. I have regretted many things that I have said, but I do know that I am not alone. Maybe knowing that fact, we all should show a little more grace when others say things that should not have been said.

Several years ago, my husband and I went through a parenting class called, “Parenting is Heart Work.” I loved it. It made complete sense to me to instead of working on my children’s actions to work on the motives of their heart. Of course, that would take work, and it is not easy work. Through that work, it came apparent to me that not only do my kids need to work on their hearts, so do I. That conclusion did not feel good.

Luke 6:45-46 says, “The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.” The Bible is a double-edged sword, and it has judged the thoughts and attitude of my heart with that verse. (Hebrews 4:12). When we speak without thought, then what is going to come out of our mouths will be what is in our hearts. What is in our hearts will be the things we are meditating on. For instance, if the only thing that comes of our mouths are complaints, then we may be meditating on the wrong things.  

How do we decide if what we say is good and productive? We need to measure our thoughts next to the Bible. If the complaint is about something immoral or not biblical, then we may have reason to use our words for the benefit of others. (Even then, we have to have a good knowledge of the Bible to deem if something is unbiblical.)  If it is not, then we need to take a long look at our own hearts. That is not easy work, but it is good work. It is humbling work and we need to know that we are not alone.

Working on Christian living is not easy, but when I stand alone in the presence of God, He is not going to measure me by other people. I will be measured by what is in my heart. That is work that I want to do and that I can do now, with Jesus’ help.

Philippians 2:12-16 says, Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain.

My hope for you and for me is that we work very diligently at getting the uglies out of our hearts, so that we can focus on what is really, truly important…. reaching the world for Christ. Trust that God will work it all out, He sees the big picture. We only see a part of the picture.

God bless you as you work out your salvation with fear and trembling so you can shine like a star. 

A Healthier Lifestyle

Through childhood until I was in my thirties, I was a pretty active person. I didn’t really watch what I ate because I would burn it off fairly quickly. Another bonus: I am a pretty frugal person, therefore snacks and eating out didn’t happen very often. That worked for me and I never worried about my size, nor my weight. However, I picked up a lot of bad eating habits and I believed the myth that being thin meant that I was healthy. Enter age 35. I saw my size increasing. I knew my activity level was decreasing. I realized I could eat a whole pan of brownies throughout the day….no self-control. That year I started on the road of dieting and exercise which lasted a few months.

That road has been difficult. How many celebrities or people that I know who yo-yo diet? So many! They would lose and gain. I can see why. I tried a fad diet that a friend told me about. I saw success. I started running. I saw some more success. I thought that I could continue to live that lifestyle. I couldn’t. I tried something different a few years later, and then a few years after that. Instead of success, I felt defeated. I have concluded that it would be nice to be the size I used to be, but most of all, I just want to feel better. I want to feel healthy.

There have been moments through the last few years, when I am eating a certain way and exercising, I feel great and have a lot of energy. I want to feel that way all the time, but the struggle is real. It is hard to follow these diet and exercise plans when money is tight, or the family is busy and cooking healthy food or finding time to exercise seems impossible. To tell the truth, it isn’t always about being busy. Sometimes it is downright mentally exhausting to try to accommodate 5 people’s eating preferences.

This year I was determined to change my perspective on eating. As I was circling it in prayer, I ran across a plan. It isn’t your normal diet fad. It could be, but if you read the book you get the idea that it truly is a way of life. It is about eating healthy, good-for-you foods. I have been working through the plan’s cookbook and trying at least one new recipe a week. Most of the recipes have worked out for us and we have liked them. My normal picky eaters have been trying to eat the different foods, and for that I am thankful and hopeful. (Quinoa, buckwheat, homemade ranch dressing)

The plan is called, “The Daniel Plan.” On the cover it says, “40 Days to a Healthier Life.” Quite honestly, I don’t care if it is 365 (or more) days to a healthier life, it is a pursuit that feels worth it. Here is why it is different from many of the plans that are out there: it could coincide with other plans and work with them. It is about eating good-for-you food. Not only that but it is a well-rounded plan, involving faith, food, fitness, focus, and friends. That is the whole you. It is not just about losing weight.

I don’t need to be in a bikini. I don’t need abs or buns of steel. I just want to be a healthier person. It isn’t about me looking like I did 20 years ago. Frankly, I don’t want to be that person anymore, anyway. This is me knowing there is more to life than feeling tired and weary all the time. God intended more for all of us. It may just start with the kinds of food that we are eating. The plan may not be 100% perfect, but neither I am. I am thankful and hopeful for this jumpstart to a healthier life.  Are you with me?

Take Me to Church

At the start of the new year, my co-workers initiated an eight-week weight loss challenge. I was interested in it right away because I had already decided that I wanted to lose weight and get back to exercising. The plan made me nervous. There was a $20 entry fee. If the weekly challenge wasn’t met, or you gained weight at the weekly weigh-in, there was a $5 fine. 1^st, 2^nd, and 3^rd place would receive a portion of the bank. I had mixed emotions. I was nervous to try it, fail, and owe a lot of money. I was also excited because I knew that it might just be what motivated me. I took the plunge and signed up.

It was good. It brought companionship and accountability. I entered not expecting to lose a ton of weight, or to win. Losing weight can be difficult and it is interesting how you can lose weight on days you are not trying as hard and gain weight on days that you are trying. It is an emotional roller coaster. As I look back on it, I really liked the eating plan I chose. I felt great and I had extra energy. I thought I could continue to drink 64+ fluid ounces of water every day and stay on my exercise plan forever. In the end, I got 3^rd place. I should have been “wooo-hoooing” but I was disappointed it was the end. Now, I was on my own to eat healthy and exercise. Enter Spring Break: a lot of good food, not enough exercise and a real bad sunburn that laid me up for a few days – what a way to break momentum.

As I was recovering from my sunburn, I considered all that I had gone through and I compared it to how it feels going to church. Being a Christian can be like a roller coaster. It has its highs and lows. Going to church can be like my weight loss challenge. It brings accountability and companionship. The only difference is with church, there is no end date unless you choose it.

I have been going to church my whole life. I have missed very few Sundays. Even on the days that I am dragging to get to church for whatever reason, I am always blessed after I get there. It could be that going to church is such a habit for me that if I am not there, I feel bad. I have met many people who love the Lord but going to church isn’t a habit to them. It is like my weight loss challenge. They want to stay on the plan, they feel good when they are doing it, it brings companionship and accountability, but something happens and they stop. After they stop….it is soooo hard to get started again.

This post isn’t a judgement on those who stop going to church. It is me saying, “I get that the struggle for some is real.” I also want to say: just like your health is important, so is going to church. My parents took me to church every Sunday. I am pretty for sure that their parents took them to church every Sunday. But somewhere down the family line, I am not sure where, some of my ancestors had to make the choice to go to church on a regular basis. Going to church isn’t about having to wear certain clothes or making it a big deal. Going to church isn’t about the show you see when you get there or about being entertained. It isn’t about the money they ask for at offering time. It is about worshipping the Creator of the world through songs, teaching, helping and fellowship. It is remembering the love Jesus showed for you because He died in your place, for your sin. It is where complete strangers are not strangers because you have commonality: Jesus. When you get in the groove, it can be a high. It can be joyous. It is righteous. I love that feeling, but after going to church for 40+ years, I know it is just a feeling. Feelings come and feelings go and then going to church might not feel good anymore. It is so, so important that we don’t listen to our feelings. Hebrews 10: 24 - 25 says: And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds,  not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

For those who are struggling, I wish I could give you a list of ways to make going to church easier. There is really no easy way. I do know that God wants you at church. He wants us to sharpen each other. You might think no one misses you, but your presence is missed. What you could give, what you could get. You will never know. Your presence is a ripple in the water. You may never see it on this side of heaven, but something is always happening. If you just sit back and watch, you can see God working. Echoes of the message that He is teaching you. This Sunday and every Sunday after, remember the important part you play at church. It is not only an important part of your Spiritual health, but the collective Spiritual health of the other members of your church. What I can say is: pray about it. Ask the Lord for help and  I hope to see you Sunday.

“Happy Easter!” or as I like to say it, “Happy Resurrection Day!”

Landmarks

When I drive a certain section of road, I am taken back to the day we moved to the area. Signs, buildings, and the way the road curves takes me back to the feelings I felt that day. Feelings of anxiety, tiredness and excitement to start a new adventure were tumbling about in my mind. Leaving the place where we had lived for 9 years was a hard decision because we were comfortable. I thought the move there was the hardest move since we were moving away from our families…no, it was the move back. I was unsure about many things, mostly the adjustment of my kids. 5 years later, those feelings come flooding back to me as I drive that section of road. Those feelings serve as reminders to me that God is faithful and that He is in the small and big things in my life. That journey on the road can be very Spiritual.

It also reminds me of a part in the Bible when the Israelites set up their own landmarks. The Israelites had been wandering in the desert and they were ready to enter the Promise Land with Joshua as their leader. If you are familiar with the wanderings of the Israelites, you would know that they had been hardhearted, and their hardheartedness had kept them from entering the Promise Land earlier. One of the first challenges for them as they entered the land was to cross over the Jordan River. Miraculously, the water parted and the entire nation of Israel walked over on dry ground.  If you want to read the story, go to Joshua 3-4.  Joshua 4 tells us the Lord told Joshua to choose 12 men, one from each tribe, to go to the middle of the river and pick out a stone. Joshua set up those stones and they were to be a landmark, a memorial to the Israelites about what happened that day. I can imagine the Israelites might have been feeling apprehension, tiredness and excitement as they knew the road ahead of them was certain and uncertain. They knew the Lord was certainly giving them the Promise Land, but how He would do it was uncertain. The stones eventually were forgotten, but I am sure they did serve as reminders to the Israelites of the feelings that were felt that day.

I am also sure that everyone has moments like these. Something will take you back to a memory -  a smell, a sound, a picture, a landmark. The memory could be good or bad or a little of both. It is important to give these memories to God and ask Him what you should take away and learn. During this process, give glory to God for His faithfulness. You could go a step further and build your own landmark. When something “big” happens in your life, capture it with a token of the moment. Each time you see it, you can praise the Lord for His faithfulness and you can tell others about it.

¹⁵ My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds, of your saving acts all day long—
 though I know not how to relate them all. ¹⁶ I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign Lord; I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone. ¹⁷ Since my youth, God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. ¹⁸ Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, my God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your mighty acts to all who are to come. ¹⁹ Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens, you who have done great things. Who is like you, God?²⁰ Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. ²¹ You will increase my honor and comfort me once more. Psalm 71:15-21

Permission to Grieve and Permission to Dream

I have been trying do a “Read through the Bible in a Year” reading schedule every other year. At times it is very easy and other times it can be very difficult. I decided this year, instead of reading it, I would listen to it. I have already decided after doing it for a couple weeks that I appreciate reading it more, but there is some blessing in listening to it as well. I have a 30-minute kid-free drive to work and the 20 minutes it takes to listen to Scripture being read has been a calming blessing on my way to work.

The plan I am listening to is a chronological plan. After listening about Noah in Genesis, the reader transitioned to Job – not my favorite book of the Bible. Job seemed to have everything going for him- wealth, health, family and friends. Those things were taken from him – to a certain extent- and he had done nothing wrong. At the end of the reading for that day, the reader gave some commentary on the text. She also mentioned how beginning the year reading about Job might be depressing, but that could be where some people were right then in their personal lives. She wanted to give the listeners “permission to grieve.”

That reminded me of a friend who found out that she wasn’t going to be able to have children, or another friend whose husband wanted a divorce because he wasn’t in love with her anymore. They needed permission to grieve. Their bad circumstance wasn’t because of something they had done. It wasn’t that God didn’t love them anymore or He was trying to tell them something. It just was. Ecclesiastes 3 says there is a time to mourn. We all have had disappointments in our life. It doesn’t matter how large or small our disappointments are, give yourself permission to grieve. Grieving can be healthy.

In my “about me” section of my blog I wrote that being a wife and mother was what I always wanted to be. Which is very true. In kindergarten when all the other kids knew what they wanted to be when they grew up, I just wanted to be a mom. Even at that time, I somehow thought that wasn’t a good enough answer and I copied another girl’s answer of wanting to be a singer. I never wanted to be a singer. Now, here I am a wife and a mother, just what I truly wanted…and yet life isn’t always what I planned or expected. Even in doing what I always wanted, I have had to grieve plans and expectations that weren’t meant to be. Also, I struggled writing the “about me” section because I know many ladies that wanted to be married and/or have children and they didn’t. I didn’t want to make my life sound so perfect, because it is not. I have a sign in my house that says, “Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.” Life is what we make it - the imperfections and all.

As we get older, we forget to dream, or we think we are too old to dream. We need to give ourselves permission to dream. In my prayer journal I have a section where I have written my dreams. It makes me not ashamed of my dreams and it gives me confidence to hand my dreams over to my Heavenly Father.

In 2018, give yourself permission to grieve your disappointments in your life and permission to dream your heart’s desires.

Give Grace

I looked up “grace” in the dictionary. It is a word that can be used in many ways. For instance, some people are graceful in the way that they speak and in the way they move. It is the name we give to the prayer before a meal. It could be used in addressing a person who is royal. The word grace is best understood by Christians. It is represented by Jesus coming to earth and dying in our place for our sins. He pardoned us. That is grace. That is mercy. As Christians, we want to be like Christ and we want to be full of grace.

In churchland, (sorry, I made that up) you might have heard it said about a difficult person needing EGR, or extra grace required. It is a “cute,” sometimes not nice, quip used as a reminder to give grace, even to those who we find difficult to be around. *Everyone can be an EGR at times.

This Christmas, as you are finishing up your shopping and you are celebrating with friends and family, please take a moment and think about people in your life that need to be given grace. Make a mental list of the people who annoy you, who hurt you, who you are jealous of and start offering them grace. It may just be a mental attitude shift. No one needs to know. It may be in the way you respond to them. Think of it this way, if your best friend would have said that or did that frustrating thing, you may have responded differently. Treat that person how you would your best friend.

A synonym for grace is mercy. Jesus said in Matthew 9:13, “But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

Giving grace could be difficult, but it could be the best and cheapest gift you give. It could enrich your marriage, your family life, your workplace, your church, etc.

This Christmas, give grace.

*updated 12/25/17

'Tis the Season for Giving Forgiveness

In the month of November many people take the time to be thankful. If you are on Facebook, some of your friends may come up with something to be thankful for each day of the month. It might be said that this is the “Season of Giving Thanks.”

A year ago, some company started running an advertisement that stated "Happy Thanks for Giving." I wasn’t quite paying attention, so I thought they said, "Happy Thanks for Forgiving.” I realized my mistake quickly, because who would spend money to promote forgiveness? (In fact, it appears being offended is the promotion of the day.)

The whole misunderstanding has got me thinking, even a year later. To be truly thankful and to truly give from your heart, you need to forgive. Maybe this season should also be the season for forgiving.

Mother Teresa said this, “People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten. Do good anyway. Give the world your best and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway." Jesus says in Matthew 6: 14, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.”

It can be hard to forgive. I have awoken from sleep so disturbed by what someone did that my heart would be racing and I couldn’t go back to sleep. Through time, I found praying it through and forgiving in my heart would seem to help until a few weeks or months down the line I would wake up disturbed about the same incident all over again. I thought when Jesus told Peter to forgive his brother 70 times 7, it was about different offenses. In my case, I had to forgive 70 times 7 for the same offense. Forgiveness might take time, but it is important. It is better than packing it up just to find it again later, and that can mean for a lot of baggage. For you see, it isn’t really about the people you need to forgive, but it is always about the relationship between you and God anyway.

Happy Forgiving and Thanksgiving.

Parenting is Heart Work, Week 8

The title for week 8 is "How to Start Connecting with the Heart."

We have been learning a lot about the hows and whys of instructing and correcting our children. I hope through it all you have seen the importance of relationship when working with your child's heart. I wrote "child's" because even though you might have multiple children, it is important to parent each child separately. Each child needs special thought and consideration. This is work, but it is good work...in fact it is the best work.

Chapter 6, "Turn on Their Heart Lights" and Chapter 8, "Making the Connection" are the two chapters we were to have read out of the book.

The take away that I would like  you to get out of Chapter 6 is this:
Emotionally connecting with your children isn't done just so you can all feel good. Connecting with your son or daughter emotionally softens hearts and prepares the way for much of the hard work of parenting, making it more tolerable and perhaps enjoyable. You must be proactive to maintain closeness with your children. Start by asking yourself the important question, "How does my child like to be loved?........Each child is different. If you have trouble knowing what helps your children feel loved, ask them. They often have insights that get you thinking in the right direction.

What I what you to take away from Chapter 8 is this:
The Gratefulness Principle
Every person's heart contains a "gratefulness button." Seven year old Joshua beams when Mom holds out a plate of cookies and says, "I made your favorites." Mom found the button. Seventeen-year-old Sandra is pleasantly surprised that Mom washed the black pants she wants to wear to the party. Her eyes get big with delight, and Mom knows she's touched her daughter's heart. You feel grateful when your son surprises you by cleaning up the kitchen without being asked, and you give him a big thank-you hug. Gratitude increases closeness. It is useful in parent-child relationships but it also important in marriages, the workplace, and with friends. 

The above passage isn't a fairy tale. Family members can be grateful for small things like making favorite cookies or washing an item of clothing. It sounds small, but it can be powerful in family life. Sometimes parents over indulge their children and it results in children who are not grateful. It is very important that children can learn this principle because it will help them in life outside of the family.

I am grateful that I was able to do this work in Parenting is Heart Work. I have been able to refine some techniques and I continue to see progress with my kids. I can stop here and be fine....but I am not and I want to encourage you to not stop either. Continue to grow and learn as a parent. New challenges will pop up and we will all need reminders and encouragement to be better parents. God bless you as you parent your children's heart!

Parenting is Heart Work, Week 7

Summer is half over! I had a fabulous time at a family reunion this weekend. My eyes are a bit sleepy, but I am determined to finish this Parenting is Heart Work! I can't say over and over again how much I like this curriculum. It takes time, work, effort....but I think it will be well worth it. As I reflect at the past weekend and look at my family reunion I see attitudes and actions of people I have known my whole life, whom I love very much. I pause, however,  and I think of why they did something, or why they said something. Those things can give you a window into their heart. The weekend went well, but it could have been disastrous if people's hearts would have held bad attitudes. In the end we celebrated my sweet Grandma. Reflecting on that, my hope is to raise a generation - my own children- who can be respectful and thoughtful and remember that where their treasure is, their heart will be also.....That being said, the title of week 7 is "Attitude: A Window into a Child's Heart"

The reading in the book that coincides with this lesson are Chapter 5 and Chapter 12.

Chapter 5 is entitled, "Emotions Have Feelings Too." Here is the nugget I would like you to get from this chapter.
...the heart is where emotions are felt. Deep seated needs are often experienced on an emotional level. Ultimately, God is the one who fulfills all of our needs, and he uses a number of tools to do so. God created the family to be a place where emotional needs are met. In fact, parents are a primary source for a child's emotional health, and how Dad and Mom relate to their children sets an important foundation.

Chapter 12 is entitled, "A Light on the Path to Heart Change." This is a great chapter about using Scripture - why you should use Scripture and how to use it.
While helping children think rightly in their hearts, don't fall into the trap of a simple "positive-thinking" mentality. We aren't just trying to get our kids to "think happy thoughts" so they can fly. That may happen to Peter Pan, but it doesn't happen in real life. Just thinking about your favorite things may get you through a stormy night, as in the movie "The Sound of Music," but it's not enough to help children through the deep struggles they face. 

Although the Bible's message is positive, it's balanced with a realistic understanding of who we are and what we need. Children need to see the courage of Daniel, who stood for convictions as he faced the lions' den, and hear about Gideon, who was able to fight a huge army with only a few men. Joshua fought the battle of Jericho by trusting God, and David killed a giant with just a few small stones.

Sometimes as a parent, we have our own giants to face....our own emotions. When we are frustrated or angry....why are we? (There is the immediate thing that made you frustrated/angry..but why is it such a big deal?) Sometimes answering those questions help us become better people and better parents. If those answers are hard to come by, know this....God knows you and understands you. He wants to help you conquer your emotional giants. Just ask Him. If you need help, I would be happy to pray for you.

God bless you though your parenting!

Parenting is Heart Work, Week 6

With the end of school, starting a summer job and working on Vacation Bible School....life got busy. In the meantime, our parenting class finished up. I would like to finish out the 8 weeks on my blog, so here is week 6, "Teaching Children to Accept No as an Answer."

The curriculum suggests to read chapter 3,'Will I or Won't I" and Chapter 7, "Avoiding Congestive Heart Failure" in the Parenting is Heart Work book.

What I want you to get out of Chapter 3 is this:
The will is that place of determination. The level of one's determination is affected by such things as personality, character, values, and one's sense of morality. Parents and children often experience conflict when their wills determine to go in opposite directions. A wise parent helps turn potential fights around, look for ways to redirect a child's intensity, and knows when taking a stand against a child's will is the most loving thing to do."

The take away that I want you to get out of Chapter 7 is this:
One sign of an emotionally healthy person is the ability to recover more quickly from upsetting experiences. I'm sure you know people who can stew for days when they are angry. God designed the heart as a place where emotions are experienced and released. When people harbor negative feelings, the heart gets congested, leaving emotional residue. Healthy people experience emotions, benefit from them, release them, and move on. Emotionally unhealthy people overreact, mull over their feelings for long periods, and take longer to bounce back. Congestive heart failure is not just a physical problem in our society, it is also a spiritual problem in many relationships.

Our job as parents is to raise our children to be adults. It is a hindrance to everyone if adults haven't learned healthy ways to deal with upsetting experiences. It is better for us all to take the time to work with our children now. Some children learn this quickly, some take years. I have seen how my youngest son has been getting better at overreacting when things don't go his way (he has been overreacting for years - he is the youngest after all). Someone just noticed it and mentioned it to me the other day and my reply was, "He is growing up." In fact, I have noticed several behavior changes in the last couple days and I mentioned them to him. We might just have to have a celebration!

I hope that you have been taking time to lean into your children, summertime is the best time to do that. God bless!

Parenting is Heart Work , Week 5

No surprise here....I am a few weeks behind! I don't want to drop the ball now, so I have some catching up to do!

Session 5 of the video series speaks on "Ending Discipline Times with Impact"

This is one of my favorite parts of Parenting is Heart Work because it helps me see into my child's heart, it allows me to speak truth into their life, and it gives them another chance to do it better.

The chapters to read along with the session are Chapter 1(What is the Heart, Part 1) and Chapter 2 (What is the Heart, Part 2).

What I want to focus on in chapter 1 is this:
Instead of working on the heart, many parents settle for simply changing their child's behavior. After all, you can see the behavior, and most of the time, you can control it. The heart is a mysterious place over which you have little control. The work of understanding it, though, pays off well as you help your children make lasting changes. You experience greater closeness, and children develop maturity."

What I want to focus on in chapter 2 is this:
Extra time and energy are required to make heart connections with our kids. Some parents find this approach daunting. 'What do I do about my day-to-day problems? How do I handle the misbehavior I see now? Changing the heart sounds great, but I have to make sure he gets his homework done tonight.' It's true that sometimes we just have to get through the day. But once you have a heart-based approach, your problem strategies change. With your new outlook, even day-to-day discipline has a long range view. Sure, it takes time, but the alternative is scary. Focusing only on behavior often allows children to develop deep heart problems that eventually manifest themselves in tragic ways.

After watching these videos, or attending the seminar, or reading the books, I feel/felt (and you may too) a bit overwhelmed. There is a lot to take in and a lot of  parent homework, My husband and I have been working on these techniques for over a year and even though we are not perfect at it, we have seen results. I just want to encourage you to continue in parenting the heart of your child.

God bless you!

Parenting is Heart Work, Week 4

In the curriculum, Parenting is Heart Work, the video series, week 4 talks about A Toolbox of Consequences. This session gives 7 categories of tools, or consequences, for your toolbox. This is important because not every child needs the same consequence for each discipline time.

The corresponding chapters suggested to read along during the week are Chapter 10 and 13.

Chapter 10 is titled, Teaching Your Child's Heart.
The part I want to focus on is this:
     Children develop thinking patterns, paradigms, that determine what they believe, how they relate to others, what they expect from life, and how they feel in a given situation. These paradigms give children a grid for evaluating life and for making decisions, and they change as a child grows. Unfortunately, sometimes the conclusions kids come to are naive or inadequate, creating problems both for the child and often for the parents and others. When their grid is faulty, children make poor judgments and react unwisely. As children grow and develop, new information is assimilated into the paradigms, and conclusions are adjusted, sometimes radically.

Your job as a parent is to look at yourself as a teacher and a coach. You understand life better than your child, even though they want to tell you differently, and you need to be able to guide them away from faulty conclusions. This is why having many tools for consequences is important as you guide your child and not just correct them.

Chapter 13 is titled, Constructive Correction.
     Children develop the opinion that correction is an attack and they must defend themselves at all costs. They believe correction means weakness, and weakness must be hidden. Angry reactions are perceived as strong. Blaming someone else is considered insightful. Pointing to other factors that caused the problem somehow seems mature. Justifying, rationalizing, and blaming are ways children skirt the issue and miss correction's benefits.

Frustrated parents sometimes contribute to the problem by correcting in counterproductive ways. They may be embarrassed and angry when their children need correction. They seem surprised and caught off guard and end up responding in unhealthy ways.

You may have children who are like that. You may be tired of always arguing with them. If that is the case, you may want to finish reading chapter 13. You can come to our parenting class to learn more, or you can purchase your own book through the National Center for Biblical Parenting

God bless you as you parent the heart.

Parenting is Heart Work, Week 3

Go and do better next time.

This week we were asked to implement a Break. A Break is like a time-out, but there are some differences. To learn more about a Break, you can read the book The Christian Parenting Handbook, chapter 42. The break is important because that is where your child can have the time to change their heart. They might not, but it gives them a chance to turn things around.

"Turn around for a Change" is the title of Chapter 14 in the Parenting is Heart Work book. There are 6 parts that can happen during a break. I want to focus on the first one: "Settle Down and Stop Fighting". This one is important especially for those children who start to throw a fit when they are corrected. Instead of being drawn into the drama or an argument/fight, have them take a break to settle down. The book says, "Jeremiah 8:6 describes an unrepentant person as 'a horse charging into battle.' You can imagine the nostrils flaring and the eyes widened as the horse rushes ahead. That's an apt description of many unrepentant children bent on doing the wrong thing. The first step in the process is to settle down and be willing to work on the problem."

Chapter 15 talks more about breaks and it gives many great tips for using it successfully. Don't give up if there is resistance. Keep trying! The part in the chapter that I want to focus on is: "A Break is an adult skill. We all benefit from taking time to sit and think and let God work in our hearts. As we teach our children how to take a Break, we're developing a response pattern for them that they'll use as they get older. Yes, God uses other means to get our attention and change our hearts, but a Break is an excellent way to begin the repentance process."

Today I used a Break with one of my children. We have been working on Breaks for the past year. When my child came to me because he was ready to get out of his Break, he told me what he had done wrong, we discussed why it was wrong and I ended it with a hug and the phrase, "Go and do better next time." There was no shouting, no anger...just disappointment, and as far as I can tell...repentance. It might take many breaks for true repentance, but it is a start.

My encouragement to you....It is hard to be a parent. Life gets busy, complicated, and messy....just go and do better next time!

God bless you as you discover that parenting is heart work!

Parenting is Heart Work, week 2

My hope is to do 2 blogs this week so that I can catch up to our class.

Week 2 of Parenting is Heart Work, the video series, deals with reaching deep into a child's heart. We all have inner conversations. In our class we want to focus on your child and the the talk they do in their heart, but I would ask you to consider the things that you say to yourself in your heart. Forcing myself to look at my own heart has been humbling, but I think that it is in those times that God speaks to me and it can be very rewarding. As it is rewarding to us, it will be for your child as well as you set time for him or her to take a break......but that is moving to our next session.

The chapters that we were to read in the book, Parenting is Heart Work were chapters 9 and 11.
Chapter 9 is titled, Talking to Yourself. What I want to focus on in this chapter is:

Children's hearts rule their worlds. They sometimes repeat false statements or ideas in their hearts that are counterproductive. When they're struggling in relationships, much of what they say to themselves is negative and critical.....If you spend time talking to children about their anger, defiance, jealousy, or conflict  you hear some amazing misconceptions about life.

Parents: your homework is to take time and do a study on each of your children. What weaknesses do they have? What lies do they believe? What are some of the unproductive things they are saying in their hearts? Ask yourself: What does he say when he is arguing with me? What does she say when she's angry? What does he mumble under his breath in his room or as he stomps down the hall? How does she report offenses to her friends? How does she rationalize and justify her mistakes? As you listen to your child talk, you'll get a bigger picture of beliefs, values and impressions that are guiding behavior. Become a detective. It may not be time to correct the behavior, but it is time to figure out what is in your child's heart.

Chapter 11 is titled, Meditation Management. What I want to focus on in this chapter is this:

Meditation is the process of repeating the same thing over and over again in your heart - sometimes the same words, and other times the same idea examined from various sides. The focus of meditation becomes a temporary obsession, and you're not easily distracted from the intense internal dialogue. Sometimes it feels like your heart is on autopilot and won't stop nagging you about the issue......The psalmist wrote, "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer" (Ps.19:14). Notice the Bible says meditation takes place in the heart. It's not just our spoken words that create problems, but inner words also can build significant roadblocks in our lives.

Oh boy, that is tough. How many times have I meditated on someone who has done me wrong? I find that I can't have any nice thing to say about them. Stop, back up, Rebecca.....It says, May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in Your sight, O Lord. Are those words and thoughts pleasing to the Lord? No! That is what I mean when I say that this heart work stuff is humbling......but I promise you if you make the change, it is rewarding. God bless you as you are doing the heart work!

I just want to add that the material that we are doing is by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller. The materials can be found at The National Center for Biblical Parenting

Parenting is Heart Work, Week 1

I am behind a week. Sorry!

Session 1 of Parenting is Heart Work video series is about teaching kids to listen and follow instructions. This session is important to the rest of the series because  it is useful as you continue in the rest of the activities. Being able to get your child's attention so that you can give them instructions is important for communication and cooperation.

If you are reading along in the book, Parenting is Heart Work, you were to read chapter 4. The part from chapter 4, Do It Like You Mean It, that I want to focus on is found on page 69, "What Your Child Treasures."

What are your kids interested in? What do they think about? Where do they spend their money? What do they want to do? Jesus said that, "where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matt. 6:21). Most of the time the activities our children choose indicate what they treasure.

Because the heart and behavior are closely linked, parents can look for things their kids can do that will encourage healthy heart change. Desires, hopes, dreams, and wishes start in the heart and then come out in a child's conversation.

Take some time to talk to each of your children individually. Assess the things that interest them. You should be able to know the answers about favorite shows, colors, books, games, ice cream, etc. You should know what interests them, what scares them, what makes them laugh. This is something that should take time and be ongoing, but by doing this homework, you will build relationship and give you some idea about reaching into your child's heart....which is the next session!

God bless you during this heart work!

Parenting and the Heart

We are starting a parenting class at church and the curriculum that we are using is from the National Center for Biblical Parenting. The book that goes along with the curriculum is:

For the next few weeks I will be posting on related chapters. God bless you as you parent your child's heart!

So Happy Together!

We recently got back from vacation, or “vacay” (vay-k?) as my son called it. I’m not sure of the spelling for vay-kay, but really anything goes now-a-days. My parents rented a cabin for a week near Ely, Minnesota. They invited my brothers and me and our families to come up. Minnesota was never a place that I had considered as a vacation spot since I lived so close to it, but our week stay in northern Minnesota was quite lovely. Besides the mosquitoes and sometimes the rain, the trip was perfect.

We didn't have a television, which was nice, unless you were trying to watch the U.S. soccer team’s game in the World Cup. (Don’t worry; the guys went into town to watch it.) We didn't always have internet service, which was nice too, unless you are trying to figure another way home. We ended up stopping and buying a $4 map, much to my husband’s dismay. The kids didn't swim in the lake as much because a couple days were rainy and cold, but we enjoyed the use of the kayaks and canoes. We enjoyed the atmosphere, being together, my mom’s cooking, and the crazy 4^th of July parade.

 I asked the kids what their favorite thing about vacation was and their response was….”spending time with our cousins!” (They also liked the Wolf Center and the Bear Center.) Spending vacation with a group of people….in the same cabin……is not always easy. There will always be a difference of opinions about everything….places to go, things to do, and food to eat.  I appreciate the fact that even though that is the case, in our family, we do not let it get us down. We definitely are not perfect at this, but it is important to  keep trying. Why???

1    

        * For our parents. They love us all. They know that we aren't perfect, but they enjoy being with us and want to support us. They deserve our respect.

2      * For our children. They love playing with their cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. They bring joy to many. They are watching us and how we get along with others.

3     * For us. We have built-in babysitters. My husband and I can go and do something as a couple while the kids stay with people we know and trust.

4     *  To build memories.

I know that not all families get along. If your family doesn't, I want to encourage you to bring some unity to your family. What are some ways you can respect your parents, even your siblings and in-laws, and be better examples to your kids? I hope that you try because in the end it is indeed worth it!

Moving Journey #3: Loseamucca in Winnamucca

 A few years ago, maybe as many as 6, my Iowan parents traveled out to California by automobile to visit us. They got to Winnamucca, Nevada, about 6 hours away, and they broke down.  They spent several days trying to get their mini- van fixed before they decided to just rent a different vehicle to travel the rest of the way.  We had a fabulous time together and after at least a week’s time they took their rental and headed back. One would think that after that amount of time the van would be fixed and they could head on their way back home; that was not the case. They had to wait another day. Their version of the story is very humorous. Since that time I have told myself that if we ever traveled that way, we would not stay in Winnamucca.

Fast forward to our moving day…we left our home in California a little later than planned. We stopped for gas and dinner someplace in Nevada, but again, stayed a little longer than planned so my husband could make sure that his “cool” car was going to be okay on the trailer. I told my husband sometime that afternoon that I did not want to stay the night in Winnamucca. If you have ever driven in that part of the country, towns are few and far between. When the day started to wear on us and Kirk’s voice announced over the radio that we were going to stay in Winnamucca I actually was okay with it. How bad could it be?

It was late, but since September is not in peak traveling season I thought we would surely find a hotel room. We stopped at a nice hotel. I was looking forward to the bed and relaxing after a long emotion- filled day. It was not to be. There was no room in the inn, as was the case for the next half a dozen hotels Kirk called. He finally located an econo-something or other and I sighed with relief that we found someplace to rest. Unfortunately, it was not a restful sleep. Our dog was even restless. Kirk was busy worrying about the car, I was trying to figure out a more organized way to travel, and the room was not up to par.  I was not looking forward to another day of traveling. In the morning, after a breakfast of champions (convenient store doughnuts) we were ready to hit the road.

The hotel was in a narrow U-shape. Kirk couldn’t come into the parking lot with the trailer and moving truck so the night before he had to park outside on the street.  There was another exit to the parking lot that had low clearance. Warning of the low clearance was a big sign informing how only certain vehicles could go through.  As we were preparing to leave, I figured it would be quicker to go through the exit with low clearance because it was easier than backing up and trying to exit where I had entered. I was terribly wrong! You see, I happened to forget that 2 of our bicycles didn’t fit in the moving van and Kirk had strapped them to the top of my van. I hadn’t gone very far before I heard a crunch and a crash. What?! I called over our radio, “Kirk, I just did something real stupid.” That man deserves a pat on the back. He didn’t get mad. He was calm and went to report the mess his wife made to the manager. You see, I ran the 2 bikes right into the $345 sign. In fact, he even remained calm when the owner had him drive to the sign shop a few blocks away and order a new one. (Quite honestly I think that was ridiculous. There was a tiny piece broken off of the sign, otherwise it appeared unharmed. It could have been bolted right back up there.) While that was happening our dog broke the GPS adapter and we had to locate a Wal-Mart to buy a new one. The stop in Winnamucca cost us around $450. We “lost” -a-mucca in Winnamucca! I am sure many people have had great experiences in Winnamucca and I don’t mean to give the town a bad name. I do want this experience to remind me of the lessons that I learned throughout this moving journey……. no matter what: be thankful that my family is together, to remember the true price of things, and that there really are times when my husband is patient with me! I am thankful for the safe trip, for my California church family and friends, a new church family and many, many other blessings!  I hope that my life lessons reminded you of your own blessings in your life no matter what else is going wrong around you. God bless you!

Moving Journey #2: Home is Where the Heart is

Many of you know the saying "Home is where the heart is." In theory that is true, but it is truly hard to live it when you don't know where you might be living or as you are following the moving truck that has all your belongings in the world located inside of it.

This summer we traveled to Iowa from California so that my husband could try out for a position at a church. He was to preach and then the next Sunday the congregation would vote on whether they wanted him as their pastor. That is how it works in a non-denominational church. We were unsure if he would be accepted, or if we would accept the position. It seemed weird to start looking for houses, yet we needed to because we had no plans of coming back to house hunt. We drove all over town looking for houses to rent or buy.

We fell in love with a house that hadn't been updated since the 70's. I loved the layout and everything in the house had been well taken care of. One of the bathrooms had shag carpet going up the sides of the wall. I call the house, "The Shaggy House." It was out of our price range however because of it's indoor swimming pool. Most of the houses were out of our range and if they were in the range, they needed too much work. House hunting was exhausting. One of the times we were driving around looking at houses and we ended up in a cul-de-sac, looking at a big house with a "for sale" sign in the yard. My daughter looked at the house and exclaimed,"That is the one." I told her, "In your dreams." We never could quite find a house before we left. As you probably have figured out, my husband was voted to come and be the pastor at the church and we accepted. The pressure to find a house to live in grew.

We had a hard time finding rentals, so we turned to trying to buy a home. It is a crazy feeling trying to buy a home that we had never walked through but just had seen on the internet. The buying a house option fell through for reasons I will not go into. What were we going to do? There was a family with ties to the church who had moved to work in a ministry organization. They wanted to sell their home but it hadn't sold. They asked us if we wanted to rent it. It sounded like a plan. It sounded like it could be God's plan. We would help them out and they would help us out. Several weeks before our move, plans changed. They got an offer on their home and there was no contract between us yet. How could we say "no" to them? They needed to sell their home and they got an offer to buy it. We felt God's hand in it and we felt that it was going to be okay. As the days went by, however, it didn't seem okay and we started to worry. There were some places to rent. Mostly the options were slim. We were looking for a 2 car garage (for Kirk's special car and project truck) and a place that would allow our dog. We just didn't feel comfortable with the options. Two weeks before our move we got a call from a member of the church that told us  about another option. Someone they knew could help us out....they actually cut us a deal. It was just what we wanted: a house with a 2-car garage, big living space, and they would let us have our dog.

On faith, we packed up our house, our extra car, dog, and children and traveled through 5 states. As we were driving through town trying to locate this home that we get to live in until we find something else, we drove down into a cul-de-sac and end in front of the house that my daughter had originally claimed as "the one".... and yet it was the one. How crazy is that? I thank God that we have a place to lay our heads and thank Him for the laugh. We may move again in the next year into a smaller home or we may get to stay, but it is true that home is where the heart is...as long as I have my family that is all that matters.

*****
10/27/12
I want to amend my last paragraph. Instead of "as long as I have my family that is all that matters" I want to say that Jesus is my true home and I am thankful for the blessing of my family that He has given me -it shouldn't matter what house we live in. I just want to keep my perspective and my family shouldn't be as important to me than Jesus.