Parenting is Heart Work , Week 5

No surprise here....I am a few weeks behind! I don't want to drop the ball now, so I have some catching up to do!

Session 5 of the video series speaks on "Ending Discipline Times with Impact"

This is one of my favorite parts of Parenting is Heart Work because it helps me see into my child's heart, it allows me to speak truth into their life, and it gives them another chance to do it better.

The chapters to read along with the session are Chapter 1(What is the Heart, Part 1) and Chapter 2 (What is the Heart, Part 2).

What I want to focus on in chapter 1 is this:
Instead of working on the heart, many parents settle for simply changing their child's behavior. After all, you can see the behavior, and most of the time, you can control it. The heart is a mysterious place over which you have little control. The work of understanding it, though, pays off well as you help your children make lasting changes. You experience greater closeness, and children develop maturity."

What I want to focus on in chapter 2 is this:
Extra time and energy are required to make heart connections with our kids. Some parents find this approach daunting. 'What do I do about my day-to-day problems? How do I handle the misbehavior I see now? Changing the heart sounds great, but I have to make sure he gets his homework done tonight.' It's true that sometimes we just have to get through the day. But once you have a heart-based approach, your problem strategies change. With your new outlook, even day-to-day discipline has a long range view. Sure, it takes time, but the alternative is scary. Focusing only on behavior often allows children to develop deep heart problems that eventually manifest themselves in tragic ways.

After watching these videos, or attending the seminar, or reading the books, I feel/felt (and you may too) a bit overwhelmed. There is a lot to take in and a lot of  parent homework, My husband and I have been working on these techniques for over a year and even though we are not perfect at it, we have seen results. I just want to encourage you to continue in parenting the heart of your child.

God bless you!

Parenting is Heart Work, Week 4

In the curriculum, Parenting is Heart Work, the video series, week 4 talks about A Toolbox of Consequences. This session gives 7 categories of tools, or consequences, for your toolbox. This is important because not every child needs the same consequence for each discipline time.

The corresponding chapters suggested to read along during the week are Chapter 10 and 13.

Chapter 10 is titled, Teaching Your Child's Heart.
The part I want to focus on is this:
     Children develop thinking patterns, paradigms, that determine what they believe, how they relate to others, what they expect from life, and how they feel in a given situation. These paradigms give children a grid for evaluating life and for making decisions, and they change as a child grows. Unfortunately, sometimes the conclusions kids come to are naive or inadequate, creating problems both for the child and often for the parents and others. When their grid is faulty, children make poor judgments and react unwisely. As children grow and develop, new information is assimilated into the paradigms, and conclusions are adjusted, sometimes radically.

Your job as a parent is to look at yourself as a teacher and a coach. You understand life better than your child, even though they want to tell you differently, and you need to be able to guide them away from faulty conclusions. This is why having many tools for consequences is important as you guide your child and not just correct them.

Chapter 13 is titled, Constructive Correction.
     Children develop the opinion that correction is an attack and they must defend themselves at all costs. They believe correction means weakness, and weakness must be hidden. Angry reactions are perceived as strong. Blaming someone else is considered insightful. Pointing to other factors that caused the problem somehow seems mature. Justifying, rationalizing, and blaming are ways children skirt the issue and miss correction's benefits.

Frustrated parents sometimes contribute to the problem by correcting in counterproductive ways. They may be embarrassed and angry when their children need correction. They seem surprised and caught off guard and end up responding in unhealthy ways.

You may have children who are like that. You may be tired of always arguing with them. If that is the case, you may want to finish reading chapter 13. You can come to our parenting class to learn more, or you can purchase your own book through the National Center for Biblical Parenting

God bless you as you parent the heart.

Parenting is Heart Work, Week 3

Go and do better next time.

This week we were asked to implement a Break. A Break is like a time-out, but there are some differences. To learn more about a Break, you can read the book The Christian Parenting Handbook, chapter 42. The break is important because that is where your child can have the time to change their heart. They might not, but it gives them a chance to turn things around.

"Turn around for a Change" is the title of Chapter 14 in the Parenting is Heart Work book. There are 6 parts that can happen during a break. I want to focus on the first one: "Settle Down and Stop Fighting". This one is important especially for those children who start to throw a fit when they are corrected. Instead of being drawn into the drama or an argument/fight, have them take a break to settle down. The book says, "Jeremiah 8:6 describes an unrepentant person as 'a horse charging into battle.' You can imagine the nostrils flaring and the eyes widened as the horse rushes ahead. That's an apt description of many unrepentant children bent on doing the wrong thing. The first step in the process is to settle down and be willing to work on the problem."

Chapter 15 talks more about breaks and it gives many great tips for using it successfully. Don't give up if there is resistance. Keep trying! The part in the chapter that I want to focus on is: "A Break is an adult skill. We all benefit from taking time to sit and think and let God work in our hearts. As we teach our children how to take a Break, we're developing a response pattern for them that they'll use as they get older. Yes, God uses other means to get our attention and change our hearts, but a Break is an excellent way to begin the repentance process."

Today I used a Break with one of my children. We have been working on Breaks for the past year. When my child came to me because he was ready to get out of his Break, he told me what he had done wrong, we discussed why it was wrong and I ended it with a hug and the phrase, "Go and do better next time." There was no shouting, no anger...just disappointment, and as far as I can tell...repentance. It might take many breaks for true repentance, but it is a start.

My encouragement to you....It is hard to be a parent. Life gets busy, complicated, and messy....just go and do better next time!

God bless you as you discover that parenting is heart work!