My All in All

Why do I depend so much on my husband to be what I need him to be? I can't expect him to be my all in all and fill me up when I am down. As much as I wish he would be, he is only human. I just hate it when he disappoints me. I also know that only God can be that - HE is my ALL in ALL.

There is a worship song that says that.

"You are my strength when I am weak, You are my treasure that I seak, You are my All in All.
When I am down you lift me up, when I am dry you fill my cup, You are my All in All. Jesus, Lamb of God, Worthy is your name. Jesus, Lamb of God, worthy is your name."

Dearest Heavenly Father, Thank you for your continued blessings. I don't deserve your love, but You still give it to me. Help me remember to count on You in my neediness and not on humans. I pray that You will be with me and my husband as we continue to walk together with You in our marriage. Help us learn to treat each other with respect and grow together. In your Precious Son's name - Amen

Is Being a Stay-at-Home Mom Boring?

"Sept. 29, 2006 — "Good Morning America" looked at an article that a mother of two had written in London's Daily Mail in July, which said that her sons and their adolescent activities bored her to death.

Not surprisingly, the backlash from outraged mothers, stay-at-home and otherwise, came fast and hard.

But the article launched a real debate on a topic which, until now, women only discussed in private — is being with your children all it's cracked up to be?

It's not about staying home from work, it's about women's real, and sometimes conflicting, feelings about motherhood."

Good Morning America wanted Stay-At-Home Moms to write back their opinion about whether it was boring to be a Stay-At-Home Mom. I decided to write them. Being a Stay-At-Home mom is not boring. What it comes down to is what my mom use to tell me -"Boring is a state of mind, if you are bored than you are a boring person." I think with an attitude change and a game plan, staying at home with little ones can be a lot of fun. I am still a work in progress, but I am getting there.

I think that this debate has a lot to do with what I already have written about - expectations. Motherhood isn't as easy as I thought it would be. I guess a lot of other women feel as I do. Along with staying at home with the kids, there are a lot of chores to go with it. Cooking healthy nice tasting meals(that can be an overwhelming task for those who aren't use to cooking), cleaning (it is amazing how dirty kids are and all the nooks and cranies that they get stuff), saving money, and planning. I could go on and on. My point is that I (and obviously other women) wasn't prepared for everything involved with being a mother. Like I said, having an attitude change is helpful. For instance, I have been working at my cooking skills. Watching the Food Network has helped. The different cooks have taught me that cooking can be easy and enjoyable. I don't dread it as much. I am still learning. I need to work on my feelings about cleaning - but maybe that is another blog. I am just grateful that God helped me change my focus and feelings about motherhood. I am a much happier mom these last few months, although I still have my days. On those days, my kids aren't boring - I am.

Depression and Young Mothers

I have received some good ideas for my speaking engagement. I am still not absolutely sure about the flow of it. I have been working on some thoughts and researching them. So I am going to throw them out there and see if I get any comments on them. My research is from the American Psychiatric Association website and the National Institute of Mental Health website.

"Women are approximately two times more likely than men to suffer from major depression and dysthymia."

"Women's risk of depressive symptoms and demoralization is higher among mothers of young children and increases with the number of children in the house."

"Significant loss, a difficult relationship, financial problems, or a major change in life pattern have all been cited as contributors to depressive illness."

"Persons with certain characteristics - pessimistic thinking, low self esteem, a sense of having little control over life events, and a tendency to worry excessively - are more likely to develop depression."

"A variety of factors unique to women's lives are suspected to play a role in developing depression. Research is focused on understanding these, including: reproductive, hormonal, genetic or other biological factors, abuse and oppression; interpersonal factors; and certain psychological and personality characteristics. And yet, specific causes of depression in women remain unclear; many women exposed to these factors do not develop depression."

"Stresses include major responsibilities at home and work, single parenthood, caring for children and aging parents. How these factors may uniquely affect women is not yet fully understood."

"For both women and men, rates of major depression are highest among the separated and divorced, and lowest among the married, while remaining always higher for women than for men. The quality of a marriage, however, may contribute significantly to depression. Lack of an intimate, confiding relationship, as well as overt marital disputes, have been shown to be related to depression in women. In fact, rates of depression were shown to be highest among unhappily married women."

"Researchers have confirmed that hormones have an effect on brain chemistry that controls emotions and mood; a specific biological mechanism explaining hormonal involvement is not known, however."

"In addition, motherhood may be a time of heightened risk for depression because of the stress and demands it imposes."

Now, I don't want to make this research fit how I want it to, but coming from my own personal experiences and experiences of others, I am going to try to make some statements that make sense to me. I never felt like I had the baby blues - the few months after having the baby- but there have been times in my young mother life that I have felt "blue-ish." I mean, why not - hormones, tiredness, worrying, loss of control, financial problems, marital problems. Having children is a huge change in a couple's life and whether we like it or not. Then the hormones - being tired after staying up with sick kids or trying to get them to sleep, worring about the children's saftey and health and education, feeling a loss of control when the children don't behave perfectly -( wouldn't it be nice if the children always acted the way they were suppose to?), saving money on the children's ever changing wardrobes and cutting costs on the groceries, and marital problems! Isn't it a given that among all that choas there will be some marital problems? Every individual has different issues, they also handle them all differently - but shouldn't we expect that mothers of young children will feel depressed at times. There are so many expectations of mothers and unless a woman has someone to speak with on these issues, why wouldn't she be depressed? Doesn't that make you want to call up a mother of young children right now and ask her what you can do to help? What is it about women that have already been through that time in their life - it is like they have forgotten how hard it is and since they have gotten through it - so can young mothers of today.

I just want to end this post with a story about a friend. She has three young children. She worries about her children's health often - for good reason. Her husband doesn't work close to home, so he isn't at home every night. She feels like a single parent most of the time. Recently, she has had some health issues as well. Now tell me why she shouldn't feel a little blue at times and that maybe I should be concerned about her well being? Some mothers told me the other night that being a mother doesn't get easier. I felt like they were downplaying this season of my life - but I don't think that I totally agree with them. Of course I will always be concerned about my children, but these three little ones that I have now are so dependent on me - they are very needy. That is a little overwhelming.

I guess what my thought is, I think that many young mothers may suffer from depression of some sort from time to time. And that made me think of some scripture - "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers." 1 Peter 3:7

Mens Retreat

Well, I started this blog because I wanted to get ideas for a message that I am doing for a Men's Retreat. I am not for sure why I agreed to do this because I am not for sure for sure how to approach it and why the audience cares. The man who asked me gave me a broad statement - to talk about what it is like to be a mother of young children. Maybe, because men don't understand. Well, in a month I will be doing this and as much as this blog has helped me get some ideas, I am still feeling overwhelmed by the thought of what I should talk about. So if you have some ideas, I would like to hear them. Even if there are any resources out there that might help me or scripture. I always feel like scripture is always the way to go when speaking about anything. Thank you.

So How Many Diapers Have You Changed?

Having 3 little children, changing diapers is a way of life. Of course my husband pitches in when he feels like it - but I am the primary diaper changer. I have 2 in diapers at the moment. My oldest took until she was almost 3 before she was out of diapers and I still have her in pull ups at night. I would really like to get her out of pull ups. I could get up in the middle of the night and have her go - but that doesn't work in my life right now. She shares a room with her 2 year old brother - I wouldn't want to wake him up. The baby sleeps in our room and I would hate to wake him up - he is a light sleeper. I am a heavy sleeper and it is hard to get me woken up when I finally get to sleep. I have started to potty train my 2 year old, but I think I am going to stop and hold off for a few weeks.

So up until now I have approximated that I have changed 8,230 diapers. Can you believe all that money that has been spent? All that money in the garbage, literally. I don't know how mothers use to do cloth diapers. Wow! All the laundry. I use to think if I was a stay at home mother that I would use cloth diapers - I obviously changed my mind. I guess if I was doing the wash, I would be motivated to potty-train a little sooner. What I should do is calculate all the money going to diapers - that should motivate me.

I have been very blessed with diapers for gifts. For my first baby and my third baby I have been given diaper showers. What a blessing! For both babies I had enough diapers to last 6 months. My youngest is almost 7 months and I am on my last package. I have already taken about a dozen packages back to the store because he grew out of that size. So I can't say that I have bought all the diapers. The diapers that I buy are not the expensive name brand kind either. I save between $4-$8 just buying cheaper diapers and they work just as well. I know because I have tried them all considering I had the diaper showers. Just for fun, if I did buy them all at the price I usually pay I would have spent around $1646.

Not only have I changed diapers - some very gross diapers - I have been squirted at by both ends and I have had to help a very constipated child push it out. I have had a child play in it, not once - but twice. She wiped it all over the walls and toys and books. Could you imagine my horror of finding another place where she wiped it weeks later? That was my first, what is in store for my second and third? All I know is that this is a life of a mother - poop, pee - the consistency of it - the color of it. I never knew that I would be so interested in poop. And if I miss my guess, I will someday miss it. Is that true?

Our 8th Anniversary

My husband and I just celebrated 8 years of marriage last night. On one hand, it doesn't seem like we have been married that long and on the other hand - it seems longer - like we have been together for ever. We started dating, though, 12 years ago.
The first time I remember seeing him, it was Parents Weekend at the college. That year I was a Senior in Highschool. He was playing soccer and I loved just looking at him. I would go to the college with my mother throughout the year. Mom went to watch my brothers play basketball, I went to go watch this cute guy. Come to find out later, that he had noticed me too. Back in highschool, all I could think about was him. One of my friends even said to me that I would probably end up marrying him. I just thought that was ridiculous - every gorgeous guy that I had a crush on had no idea I was alive.
He was the deciding factor of why I chose to go to that college - probably not the best reason in deciding to go to a college - but I was young and it turned out all good. He asked me out almost immediately and the rest is history. We, of course, had many ups and downs. He has taught me alot and I hope that I have taught him too - I think I have. It is amazing that in 8
(12?) years we have grown so much alike. What I can't get over is the fact of how much I love him. I sometimes wonder why I married him - I didn't appreciate him as much as I should have or loved him as much as I should have. But I suppose that is how it is suppose to be, growing appreciation for your spouse through the years. It can hold a marriage together in tough times. I think that is God's plan.
That brings me to my comment and I am sure I will have some who will disagree with me, but I will state it anyway. I think that as long as any man and any woman are Christians and they are trying to live as Christ did and stick to God's commands, they can be married happily. If they,"do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better then themselves" and if they "look not only to their own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Philippians 2:3&4) I know that my marriage has a long way to go, let's face it we are selfish beings. My husband and I don't always see eye to eye. He is a great guy and he amazes me with all he can do, but he may not have been the right guy for me. Maybe no one was the right one for me. I do know that it doesn't matter anymore, because He is a Christian. I do know, now, that he is the perfect one for me. We still have a lot of growing and learning, but I am thankful for my husband. The one thing that I need to get better at is praying daily for my husband. I think that is my new goal for our 9th year. I have tried in the past, but making time for quiet time is hard. Please keep me accountable about praying time for my husband.
If you are married, you might need a little marriage enrichment. Go to marriage.eharmony.com You will take a quiz and get some insights to your marriage. Kirk and I are in the middle of using their free offer( some of it costs money though). I will let you know what I think about it in another blog. God Bless and I hope that God is in your marriage. That is the only way to be married.

Rebecca

What Do You Do All Day?

A man came home from work and found his three
Children outside, still
In their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty
Food boxes and wrappers
Strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was
The front door to the house
And there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding
Into the entry, he found
An even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked
Over, and the throw rug was
Wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a
Cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys
And various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink,
Breakfast food was spilled on the
Counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog
Food was spilled on the floor,
a broken glass lay under the table, and a
Small pile of sand was spread
By the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over
Toys and more piles of
Clothes,looking for his wife. He was worried
She might be ill, or that
Something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it
Made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels,
Scummy soap and more toys
Strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a
Heap and toothpaste had been
Smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife
Still curled up in the bed
In her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up
At him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What
Happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every
Day when you come home
From work and you ask me what in the world I do all
Day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

The other day a newly married lady without kids and pursuing her career asked me what I did that day. She was just just trying to make conversation. I thought for a moment and then I said, "Not much." I just couldn't think of anything to say that was that exciting. I got the kids breakfast, I got them dressed, I got their hair and teeth brushed, I got them busy doing something while I cleaned up and took care of the baby. I did some activities with the kids - then "Oh, look at the time it is time for lunch!" I quickly try to whip up something for lunch - clean up, put the kids down for a nap. Oh the baby woke up - spend time with the baby as I try to pick up and make the house look presentable - maybe set down and rest. The kids are up, I get them busy while I make supper - cleanup - maybe a bath and then to bed.
Just recently someone sent me the above email and it hit home - I spend my day doing things that make it look like I haven't done much. My husband has also made the comment that he could get more done in a day if he stayed home with the kids. I actually do not doubt that he could get more visible things done. It is easy to sit them in front of the T.V. while you get things done and I must admit that I do use this technique more than I like to admit, but I do know that I try to spend time with them. How many times have I sat in the bathroom with my child for more than 20 minutes trying to potty train them or helping them have a bowel movement? How many times has it taken a whole morning trying to pick up and organize a whole playroom instead of throwing it all in the toy box. How many times have I burnt dinner because I had to help a child who needed me? How many times have I sat wondering if my sick child is sick enough to see the doctor? How many times have a sat and read "one more story." I could keep going. Could I be a little bit more organized and disciplined - yes - but please understand that a mother can be busy doing important work without getting the visible work accomplished. I did get pretty sick this spring and I was laid up for awhile. I think that through that time, my husband did start to understand what goes on daily with little children and he doesn't make comments like that anymore.

“It’s not about me, it‘s about God”

That’s a phrase that I have to keep repeating to myself. It helps me get out of the feel sorry for me syndrome. Becoming a mother has been a huge change in my life. I thought, as I have said earlier, that I would have done it more naturally. Typically I am an easy going person and I don’t let things stress me out - unless I have put them off until the last moment. I have found out that mothering is and can be a lot of last moments. Trying to get somewhere, trying to make supper before bath time, trying to give the kids a bath before bedtime, etc. Normally I am calm, but in some of those hectic moments - I just need to say, “it is not about me.”

Everything I do and say is being imprinted on my children’s little minds. They are taking everything in and learning from me. Wow! That is a big responsibility. It can be a little overwhelming too. But then again, I just need to say, “It’s not about me, it is about God.” I can’t be so overwhelmed about my actions or what may happen to my kids otherwise I will wake up in the middle of the night in a panic. That is what happened to me the other night. My daughter was playing around the pool with her cousin Alex and she lost her balance and fell in. We have been teaching her some swimming techniques, but we still have her in a life jacket while she is swimming. When I got to the pool, prepared to jump in, she had bobbed back up. I grabbed her up. She was a little scared, but we talked about how good she did kicking to come back up. After the incident happened, I was talking to my mother about it. And we discussed stories about how little ones sometimes get lost in the shuffle and then they end up getting seriously hurt or being killed or being abducted. So about 3 a.m. I woke up and just started to panic. You see, being the primary care-giver to three little ones is a huge responsibility - especially in this day of age. There are so many warnings and things mothers need to know about. Don’t let your child play with this, don’t let your child eat this, don’t leave your child here, watch for this if your child is sick, etc. What got me calmed down? Saying, “It’s not about me, it’s about God.” I have to give my kids to God. Since I am not super human - I cannot protect my kids from everything. I have to know that whatever happens its about God, not me.

The main reason I am writing about this is because for months I was walking around thinking about me. In many ways that stressed me out because I was putting so much pressure on myself to be a perfect mother. Of course I was thinking about caring for my kids, but in many ways I left God out of the equation. I can’t put my kids before my relationship with God. ( Is that a form of idolatry?) It is very easy to do because they are so needy. If the baby doesn’t get fed or changed, he cries. Putting God first in my life, before the kids, does not mean to not keep them safe or not take care of their needs, but it helps me keep my life in perspective. Therefore, it helps with those hectic moments and it helps me be a better mother - it is not about me, it is about God!

One last note, that is why we young mothers need wise, Christian older women to keep us accountable. We need to be reminded to put God first. Just because I seem to have it figured out doesn't mean that I won't fall back into a rut and go on auto-pilot mothering. I hope that older wiser women will wake up and become mentors to the younger women. (Titus 2:3-5) I just want to thank my mother and grandmothers for their wonderful examples to me.

One Flaw in Women

I got this as an email and I wanted to share it with you. I don't know who originally wrote it, but I think that it is true.

One Flaw In Women

     Women have strengths that amaze men.

     They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

     but they hold happiness, love and joy.

     They smile when they want to scream.

     They sing when they want to cry.

     They cry when they are happy

     and laugh when they are nervous.

     They fight for what they believe in.

     They stand up to injustice.

     They don't take "no" for an answer

     when they believe there is a better solution.

     They go without so their family can have.

     They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

     They love unconditionally.

     They cry when their children excel

     and cheer when their friends get awards.

     They are happy when they hear about

     a birth or a wedding.

     Their hearts break when a friend dies.

     They grieve at the loss of a family member,

     yet they are strong when they

     think there is no strength left.

     They know that a hug and a kiss

     can heal a broken heart.

     Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

     They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you

     to show how much they care about you.

     The heart of a woman is what

     makes the world keep turning.

     They bring joy, hope and love.

     They have compassion and ideas.

     They give moral support to their

     family and friends.

     Women have vital things to say

     and everything to give.

     HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,

     IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Womanly Guidance

Why is it that other people seem to think that they know what my baby is thinking or needing? My 5 month old was fussing and couple of older grandmotherly ladies tried to tell me it was one thing. I was tired at the time and I was trying to keep up good appearances, but it really annoyed me. I hardly knew these ladies. I know that they had good intentions, but this is my third child for heaven's sake.

After having said that, I also know the impotance of having experienced women in your life to help give guidance as I raise my kids. I just would appreciate that they would have a relationship with me before they stick an oar in.

In the Bible, it talks about the older women guiding the younger women. I don't think that enough older women are doing that. I want to encourage older women to get involved in younger women's lives - especially if they have young children. Get to know them and in loving example help them in their walk. I know being so far from home, my mother doesn't have the chance to help as much as she could. I was ill after having my last child. Looking back, I wished that I had someone to come and give me spiritual wisdom and motherly wisdom. It was hard to be a mother while I was suppose to be resting. I was taken care of tremendously by the ladies of my church and my husband, but I guess I needed a little more and just recently figured out what it was. It is my hope that I will let God use me in such a way to minister to other ladies. Isn't that just the way God is, using your circumstances to help you become a better person.

How Did Our Mothers Do It?

It is hard to find free time to write my blog. There is always something else that I should be doing, like right now, I should be putting laundry away. When I do sit down and think about what I want to write about - I go blank. There are times during my day when I have an idea, but now that I sit here I can’t quite remember what I meant to say. I know that writers keep note pads by their beds so they can jot notes during the night. That just couldn’t work for me because my kids would find it and take it and I wouldn’t find it when I needed it. That is why I titled my blog, “ Sleepy Thoughts…..” They will usually be sleepy and they are most likely just thoughts.

My family just got back from a trip from the Midwest. We drove 24 hours to get there - straight through. My kids were real troopers - although it helped to have a double dvd player for them to watch. We attended a family reunion on one side of the family and a 50th wedding anniversary party on the other. I loved seeing all the cousins and all their little children. In my case, I felt like I didn’t have as much time to visit because I was too busy caring for my little family.

I try to remember that this time in my life is short and soon they won’t need or want my help as they get older. I try to remember that I will miss the days when they were little and I try to embrace each day as it comes. How did our moms or grandmothers do it? It reminds me of the time when I was pregnant with my second child and I was having a few issues with my first while at the grocery store. I made the comment to me husband about how I was going to deal with an infant and my 2 year old on outings such as grocery shopping. My husband made the remark, “lots of other women have done it.” It was said with no compassion and it really irked me, so I try not to make comments like that anymore. I managed quite well with two. Well, after having my third, I was really ill and didn’t make it out of the house much until just recently. About a month ago, I finally took all three out. The first time was a short Walmart trip and it went great. The second was a Walmart and a grocery store trip - I think that I bit off a little more than I could chew. Walmart was busy and I ended up having an old man in one of those electric cart chair things yell at me. I guess I got in his way. I was trying to maneuver around several things and keep my 4 year old with me, I really didn’t see him. Then we went to the grocery store. They actually did pretty well, but towards the end all 3 were fussing. While I was trying to bag my own groceries, my little one was crying. I had him in a front pack so it was hard to manage some of the heavier items. I could tell that everyone was looking at me. Was it compassion that I saw in their eyes or annoyance? I don’t know, I was trying to get done as soon as possible otherwise my 2 year old was going to get into mischief. I actually felt like crying by the time we made it to the car, but I didn’t. I just wonder, how my husband would have handled the situation? And the question is, am I going to try that again anytime soon? I will let you know.

Being a Wife and Mother Doesn't Always Come Naturally
Part 2

Expectations. I took a college class called Adjusting to Marriage. It was a great class to take to prepare one to get married and to help others prepare for marriage. Everyone has different expectations when they enter a marriage relationship. Since everyone comes from different backgrounds, people have different ideas of how relationships work. Who takes care of the bills, who takes care of car maintenance, who makes the meals, how many children they want, who mows the lawn, who does the laundry, etc. are some of topics that should be discussed. Those are simple things to talk about, but it is amazing how people look at them differently. Once a couple is married, it would make life more manageable if some of those expectations were already discussed. I have found that it is after marriage the debate begins about the “correct” way to get a particular job done. Did you know that there is a correct way to put the dishes in the dishwasher or to fold jeans?

I feel like this is also true about being a mother. I have put some unrealistic expectations onto myself and sometimes it is very hard to live up to them. Besides, my husband has his own expectations of what I should be as a mother based on his remembrances of what his own mother was like. That is why I wrote that not feeling like being wife and a mother came naturally. It is hard work being a wife and mother, it is not easy or natural all the time. That being said, I love being my kids’ mother. They are so sweet and are true blessings. I also enjoy the challenge of being married to my husband. I do say challenge - he stretches me out of my comfort zone. I know that I have been good for him because he is a lot sweeter than when I first married him.

Some women may not have so many expectations about motherhood, in many ways that could make life less stressful. In fact that is what I recommend - Not to stress over the little things. If hair isn’t always brushed, if there are still dishes in the sink, if I get home from the grocery store and still don’t know what to fix for lunch - it will be okay. It is a stage of my life that will be over before I know it. I just have to keep telling myself that. Just one more note before I go. I do believe that the majority of women are not prepared for motherhood when it comes upon them - whether the mom has a job or not. For the most part, motherhood is a learn as you go kind of job. Thankfully, I have a great support system and a heavenly Father that help me through such an important job.

Being a Wife and Mother Doesn't Always Come Naturally

I need to speak at a men's retreat for my church about being a wife and mother of young children. I want to be able to use this blog to springboard any ideas and thoughts I have and I hope that others respond.
I love to read, especially fiction. ( My reading has been minimal since having children.) In the historical reading that I have done, it seems like girls are raised to be wives and mothers - I think that for the most part, that is true. In today's society in which I grew up, I feel like this isn't the case. Every child is told that they can be anything that they want to be. Girls can have a career if they want - they can do it all. I wonder if that is so much the focus, that girls don't learn and focus on being a wife and mother. I don't want to say that my parents didn't raise me well, but I do know that sometimes I feel like being a mother and a wife doesn't come as naturally to me as I thought it would.
I have more to write on this subject, but my kids need me and I need to go.